Tonight I was hanging out with a good friend. We were just driving around talking about things. It was nice to do that, it's been awhile since I've been able to just sit down and talk with anyone. We started talking about our sisters and how we enjoy hanging out with them, which lead to talking about when I'll leave for Taiwan, I won't be able to hang out with my sister or my friend and it's going to be hard.
All of a sudden she started talking about how excited she is for me. Everyone, Mom, sister, friends are excited and it's great to have so much support. The conversation then turned to college. She's starting her second year of school and having troubles, troubles that I know she will be able to overcome. She told me again how proud of me she was, the fact that I finished school in 3 years instead of 4, when these days it even takes some 5 years to finish. She told me she looks at my life, my whole life, the things I've accomplished, the goals that I have and am achieving, and the struggles I went through. It actually made me look back on things and realize it for myself. And the fact that she was telling me this, that she's proud of me and admires me almost made me cry because you don't realize the people that look up to you or respect you unless they actually tell you.
Starting to look back at the things in my life...When I was 12 my depression started. It wasn't very bad, just sort of "I'm alone in the world...nobody loves me" sort of thing. I tried to talk about it a little, but it was difficult because I didn't really know what was going on and since it was only emotional in my life and nothing really bad was going on, nothing was really done to fix things.
These feelings came and went throughout high school. High school sucked, I can't stand cliques and "popular" people. I don't agree that people should be catagorized based on money, intelligence, looks, personality...etc, so I kind of hung back in the crowds. Then I went to Taiwan and I was important and "special", you know the extremely white, curly haired, blue eyed girl living in a world of tanned, dark hair, dark eyed people. It was very exciting and life changing and I enjoyed every minute of it.
Then coming back to small town America and trying to get back into high school life for just one more year, was extremely difficult. Sometimes I would have preferred to graduate and then gone to Taiwan, but I probably wouldn't have made the friendships that I did, including my best friend that I hung out with tonight, had things not gone the way they did. Life is interesting when you throw in those "what ifs" so I don't do it often because I don't regret the way things happened.
College started out ok, but the end of my first year, I had to much free time and started feeling very alone. In the past I had dealt with self mutilation a little bit, never intending anything serious, just sort of using the pain on the outside to hide the pain on the inside. But April 2005, with my second attempt at overdosing, I almost succeded, but, thanks again to the relationships I've made and wonderful friends I had, I was rushed to the hospital and had my stomach pumped and then taken to a mental hospital for a few days to get things figured out. Seeing all those people in the waiting room, most of them crying, made me realize that I just need to reach out when I'm feeling so alone because there is always someone there. I had to deal with emotions of extreme sadness and extreme anger, people were mad at me because I was so selfish, and a few tried to blame themselves, but it was no one's fault because it was my choice and something I had to go through. That episode was also a message in a way to some of those people, especially my parents because for 8 years I had in some way been trying to say "hey I have a problem" but it wasn't something they wanted to deal with, mainly because they didn't know how. And I don't blame them at all, it was just what needed to be done to let them know it was serious.
So I made it through that and still passed my classes lol. That summer I got really close to people, created my own little family. End of that summer I had to experience death for the first time, not my own, but someone close to me. People had died before in my life, but I was either too young to remember, or not close enough to the person for it to make a huge difference, but he was gone and I felt bad, like it should have been me, my friends helped me through it.
Then the war decided to take away my brothers. Three of them left and only two came back, and they came back different. I didn't expect them to be the same, I know that war can really change a person and I hate it for that fact because although I have my real family, the family I've created over time is not the same, it has gotten a lot smaller. My one brother that was lucky enough not to be part of the stupid war does not speak to me, but he's happy, and that's all I can wish for for him. The two that are home now, I barely see because one is off living his life and so I am happy for him too, but the other can't seem to figure his life out at all and I just worry. I'm I worrier though, I get it from my mother and as hard as it is sometimes worring about everyone but myself, I will always do it because it's what I do :D So although my created family really isn't a family anymore due to many reasons between people, in my heart they live strong.
College kept going, grades jumped from really good to just okay (not very pleasing to Dad but oh well :P) Relationships came and went, but nothing to important, one almost serious one until I realized he was not good enough for this Rose. And I had to have the support of my family to get me through it. And finally graduation, it was an overwhelming feeling, but wonderful. It always hurts to think that there are two great friends and two great grandparents that have to miss the special events in my life, but they also have special places in my heart. If you haven't figured it out by now, I have a very large heart! There is room for everyone!!
After the greatness of graduation came and went, I fell into a slump of no clue what to do with my life. Parents frustrated because I'm being lazy and not figuring things out, me frustrated because I feel lost without school (yes Megan I am a nerd!). And finally, it all comes together. I stop listening to people, what I can and can't do and I just think of what I want. The one place that made me happy: Taiwan. It's such a perfect fit, it's still totally unbelievable. Ever since I was 10 I wanted to be a teacher, with the computer craze I went to school for business and web design just because of my creativeness, but teaching and working with children especially, is my true dream. And Taiwan!! I can't imagine a better place to live...it is paridise. I get my big city craze surrounded by mountains and beautiful country and it doesn't take long to get the an ocean, I couldn't ask for anything better, and I'm going to live there! It's still all a dream to me.
Obviously my life story is a lot more detailed than what I've written, but if anyones still reading anyways, then I'm impressed! It's nice to look back, on the good and the not so good. On the people who've touched your life and have come and gone either because of death or because life has taken them on a different path. I know everyone who cares about me is going to be sad to see me go, and it's going to be hard to say goodbye, especially to my sister and my best friend. But, this is the path life is taking me on, and if I'd turn it down those what ifs would come back. My friend said to me tonight that she can't name one other person who's had a life even similar to mine, and it makes me happy because I like being unique and I don't regret the trials I've had to go through to get this far and it's exciting because, hell, I'm 21...I'm a college graduate moving to live in Taiwan!! A country that most people (especially those in Nebraska haha) couldn't even point out on a map! She says she's proud of my accomplishments and the work I've done to get this far, what she doesn't realize is that I'm even more proud of her, proud to call her my best friend, because I could not have made it this far without her.
